The Tower of London - London, UK

28th February 2014 - £21.50 (joined by Shelagh Deeney & Emmet Deeney)

Joe Deeneyan Rhapsody

The infamous White Tower was the first addition to London’s iconic skyline and I imagine the locals objected to the ostentatious monument to a swaggering foreign power much more than we did with the Shard. For hundreds of years, the Tower of London loomed over the Thames as a stark reminder to England of its ruling classes. Now, it looms over the Thames as a stark reminder to England of its touring classes. It is the world capital of tourism. It’s where tourists come to out-tourist each other. It’s a place so touristy that my parents and I, three Northerners dressed in macs and backpacks, were made to look as local as Danny Dyer buggering a pigeon to the Lambeth Walk. 

Like every wave of outsiders travelling up the Thames, those in the Tower saw us coming and slapped us in the face with a £21.50 entry fee (and later had the gall to speak of folk being executed for extortion). Historic Royal Palaces must be laughing all the way to the Royal Mint with this one. They understand that the ToL is an essential visit for most tourists, like the Eiffel Tower or Christ the Redeemer, and ergo can charge whatever they can get away with. I looked to my phone’s train ticket app for an example of the furthest destination I could afford for £21.50. Blackpool. I joined the fucking queue.

National Football Museum - Manchester, UK

22nd February 2014 - Free (joined by Kez Casey and Will Sanderson)

Two selfies, one love

Football (or soccer if you’re American or one of those weird Brits who prefers American sport) is the world’s national game. It can be played with a tin can amid the favelas of Rio or before half the world in Soccer City’s arena of television cameras, prawn sandwiches and vuvuzelas. It’s not called ‘the beautiful game’ for nothing, although nothing’s how it feels when you’re watching your beloved team draw nil-nil at Luton in the pouring rain as you eat a tepid, grey pie that set you back six quid. 

England has an especially close relationship with the game. It was invented here and, until the rest of the world became familiar with the rules, we were really quite good at it. The Urbis building in Manchester was chosen in 2012 as the nation’s arca of the nation’s game, but, at the end of the day, does it give 110%?